> Mate Selection
There are 6 questions in this category.
I am a 30 year old male and was recently introduced to someone who is 3 years older. Is the fact that she is older by 3 years a problem and if it should be cause enough to not get to know this person better? We are just starting to get to know each other. I do not really feel like I know enough about her personality to judge if we are compatible or not. A lot of people in my family think it is a bad idea to get to know her since she is older than me. I personally felt that the decision should be based on something more important than age.
I am getting involved with someone. There were a couple concerns I had, but I'm not sure if they are valid. One thing is he doesn't seem to be as involved in the church as I am. He goes to the Liturgy every week, but he's not a servant, although I do believe he is a deacon, and he definitely does have good values. I just kind of wanted someone who would attend servants’ meetings with me and with whom I can discuss the service and its challenges - but maybe I'm being too picky here. Also, he hadn't spoken to his father of confession for one year because of a misunderstanding and I think he got upset. When I brought it up, he immediately took action to contact his father of confession again or to get a new one. This is a good sign in that he understands the need for a confession father, but I wish it had come from him and not from the fact I brought it up to him. But again, maybe I'm being too picky.
I need advice with relationships. I am 25 years of age and I have been extremely anxious for the past few weeks. I am a servant and serve alongside with a female servant for many years. It is only recently that I noticed her from how gracious and kind she is to others. I am very attracted to her inner beauty and feel she would make an honorable wife and mother. I finished my Masters Program one year ago and I am currently applying for work. She also just graduated from college and is looking for work. I want to approach her to see if.she has the same feelings towards me. I fear she might reject me because next to her, I feel like a bad person. Her inner beauty makes me feel inwardly ugly. I also feel that she might reject me because I do not have a job or a car yet. I pray about this a lot, almost fighting with God and asking Him to make it clear to me whether I should ask her or not. I ask Him to take away my feelings if they are not from Him. Last night, I was praying to God to let me know if she is the one or not. In the morning, I opened my Holy Bible to continue reading the Book of Acts, but instead my hand opened the Holy Bible suddenly to Proverbs, and my eyes fell on this verse: "
Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all those who retain her
" (Proverbs 3:17-18). One thing I know for certain is that my feelings have not one grain of lust. I also feel that if I wait too long I will lose her to someone else, and this thought causes me great pain. I am very suspicious of any guy that talks to her, even my own friends! I know this is not healthy, but I do not know how to stop this.
I'm confused, hurt, and lost. Since marriage was the path I chose, I had several people propose from different states with various degrees, life, personalities, and so on. The only thing so far I found in common is the idea of pursing affectionate love with sweet words, small talks, and of course touching within the first weeks of courtship. Why don't they last? Because of my strong personality, I set boundaries and rules that these things are not allowed till marriage. I try to explain that the one that God will choose for me will have whatever he wants, as St. Paul best explains it, that neither the man nor the woman have authority over their bodies, but their significant other. That seems to scare them away, thinking if I did not hug them, flirt with them, or say sweet talks now, that I would not be able to do it later. I'm not talking about a period of engagement when couples are sure that God wants them to be together, but rather the first few weeks when you talk to someone who shows interest. Am I wrong in setting those boundaries? Isn't this what the Church has been always teaching us? Is flirting, holding hands, or playing games to make the other vulnerable the way to find the person God wants you to be with and if not why do Coptic men expect these things within the first outings even before meeting the parents?
One of our priests was in a sermon and he quoted your grace about 3 different kinds of marriages:
Emotional --- this one is based on emotions and usually ends up in failure.
Compatibility --- this one is like our parents or most of them... person A is compatible with person B and their marriage is usually stable.
A marriage that is of both emotion and compatibility --- this is the ideal one..It is very clear that the third is the goal.
There is a very good person everyone who everyone can attest to her hard work in service and such. I am seriously attached emotionally to this person and I do think she is compatible. My Confession Father advised me to keep some distance. This is because every time I draw close, she withdraws and vice versa. So I listened, but in the previous weeks she was really drawing close so after talking to my Confession Father, I took permission to start talking again but not as excessively. Now I am in the same loop as before but not as bad, but it is bound to happen again. If I confront her now, even though I am ready, I know she is not because she is 100% school-oriented. Her life is simply school and church, something I admire. I have other friends that are girls and I told my Confession Father of I can not detach myself and I do not want to detach. He told me it is ok to keep going but always keep in mind that it is less than a 50% chance. I keep thinking to confront her and get the no and move on, but this will have serious consequences of awkwardness and cause since we serve together. I try to leave and I can not because I am overwhelmingly emotionally attached. It is very sad how I pursue a person that much and I see the monks and brothers at the monastery pursuing God with that much zeal. Sometimes I wish God can call me to Him as he called those monks and brothers and that's it.
There is a strong emotional connection between the two of us because of a very long history of communication. I do enjoy her company very much when we are in the same company, except for those instances that occur quite often in which she has been rude for no apparent reason. I have visited her family and know them very well and like them very much. I have had some doubts. Some priests believe that I have been "playing games" because of my lack of commitment, but this is not the case. They demand that I make my decision in the next few days on whether this relationship will move on to the next step in engagement. At times I feel I am ready, but at other times I feel I cannot continue in this relationship. Additional stress has been placed upon me because of this deadline and also because I am currently studying for my board exams. Another reason why this is a difficult decision for me is that I will end up regretting my decision if/when I see her in a relationship with another person. I fear the emotional consequences of this very much but I know my faith should be entirely in Christ.
Ask A Question
©2018 Coptic Orthodox Diocese of the Southern United States. All Rights Reserved.