Building Self-esteem and Confidence in Children

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"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of light, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" (James 1:17).

Babies are a bundle of joy for their parents. When God made them, he gave each one of them special features (eyes, nose, face, body, smile...) and also gave each one a unique personality.

Some children are born with physical attractiveness (blond, blue eyes, beautiful features...), some will have a special intelligence (excel in math, music, art...) but the majority of the children just have a normal intelligence and a longing to be loved, accepted, and cared for.

What mistakes do parents make?

High expectation: Parents tend to have their own hopes and dreams for their children and sometime this expectation is unrealistic (highly coordinated athletic, extremely intelligent, very talented...), and can cause the child anxiety and lower their self-esteem.
Comparing their child to others: Parents tend to compare their own children to each other. For example, a parent saying that their oldest son is more advanced than their younger child since he walked and talked early and his more intelligent.

This causes the children to look at each other with a different attitude. Also comparing your child's development with another child his own age can discourage and hinder the child (ex. "My neighbor's son can read and my son can't even recite his ABC...").
Too much praise: Some parents think if they praise their children all the time, it will boost their self-esteem. However, in reality, too much unearned praise can cause problems. The child may no longer believe your judgment or may want constant praising from others, which will eventually lead to disappointment and laziness.
Too much criticism: Parents who criticize their children all the time, will damage their children's personality. Some types of negative criticism include telling your children they never do anything right, they always mess up on something, they are not capable of doing something, etc...
No rules and boundaries: many parents worry more about their children's physical or intellectual development and they do not realize that their emotional development is equally important. Therefore, as a parent you need to not only worry about whether your child is eating enough or not excelling in school, but also be concerned about their behavior; are they aggressive, uncooperative, disrespectful, etc...?

What to do?

The key is to start at an early age loving, teaching, coaching, and disciplining the child gradually. As a new parent, you should:

Give lots of hugs and kisses
Tell your child how much you love him
Show him how much you are proud of him every time he succeeds at a task (such as crawling, walking, talking...)
Give him little challenging things to do (such as eat on his own, dress himself...)
Set some boundaries and expectations ("No shouting", "listen to Mom and Dad"...)

Then gradually you can increase your rules, expectations, and consequences according to the child's age.

Praising and Criticism

When giving praise or criticism, you should focus on facts and use only phrases that describe the particular situation. For example:

I really like the way you...
I appreciate that you...
I do not appreciate when you...
What you did is not acceptable

Encourage Your Child and Support Him

To encourage your child you should:

Help him at home by providing plenty of material on different subjects that may interest him or help him with school
Encourage extracurricular activities (such as music, gymnastic, sport...). However, do not overwhelm the child, instead try to only have one or two at most.
Have an interest in your child's life by finding out his interests and personality. Is he creative, outgoing, sensitive...? By being involved in his life, you will show him that you care about who he is.
Be available for his questions and concerns

Instill Christian Values

The most valuable contribution the parents can make is to teach their child about faith and the importance of living a Christian life. By doing so, he will know that:

He is loved and cared about personally by God
That his life serves a greater purpose
No matter his circumstances, God is always there for him

Be a Parent First and a Friend Next

Remember children need parents to look up to and to teach them discipline, rules and boundaries but they also need love, care, and understanding.

When you empower your child early on and give him the right tools to cope with challenges he may face ahead, he will likely:

Have self-esteem
Be able to take responsibility for his actions
Trust in his judgment
Have self-confidence
Be able to resist peer pressure
Be reliable and trustworthy
Follow through on his goals

Do not overprotect your child. Instead, allow him to face some challenges and frustrations on his own. This will help him build character and gain confidence. As a parent, only interfere when the situation becomes overwhelming for him. Also remember that children bloom at different times, just do your best and leave the rest to God.

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us" (1 John 5:14).

Written by
Nagwa Abdou