Does Love Last Forever?

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"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends" (John 15:13).

When a man and a woman meet for the first time they start with magical love. They are delighted to be together, spending months learning about each other and appreciating their differences.

Then they decide to be married with best intentions, that their life will be wonderful and beautiful. Then little by little things change and they are puzzled and wonder what happened.

Marriage is a tremendous step in any couples life and yet often they approach it with unrealistic expectations, limited training, and lack of knowledge. It is amazing that people spend years training to get ahead in life but when it comes to a life commitment that not only effects these two people but also effects the whole generation to come there is:

No basic communication courses
No knowledge about each other's needs
No accessible advice about how to build a meaningful relationship
No idea about how to love one another in a way that will make both happy
No idea about how to respect, cooperate, and give affection
No skills about parenting

All that seems to be required is that the two consent that they are willing to share a home together.

"And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him'" (Genesis 2:18).

Without clear awareness of differences among men and women, we become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and consistently in conflict. If the couple continues like this, the love that they share will begin to die. Each year millions of couples join together in love and each year we hear about couples separating or merely staying together out of loyalty, obligations, or out of fear of God.

The fact is that we are frustrated with our spouses because we are expecting them to act the same as we do (we want them to want what we want and feel the way we feel) and when they do not act the way we expect, we end up just feeling disappointment.

The truth is that although God made the woman from Adam's rib, He made her totally different. These differences (emotional, mental, and physical) are so extreme that without concentrated effort to understand and respect our differences, we find it hard to maintain a happy marriage. Did you ever ask yourself why God made us so different!!!

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you" (Matthew 6:33).

God wants to teach us that marriage does not need to be such a struggle, all we need to do is to be:

Strongly motivated by the Holy Scripture which teaches that
- Our relationship with God is a priority in our life for it will allow us to gain Godly character and the fruits of the spirit
- God's genuine love for us will teach us to not seek to gain but only to give
- In order to honor God's love we need to submit to one another in love
- God created men and women and designed them this way in order to complete one another
- Forgiveness is an act of obedience and an attitude of letting go of resentment and the right to get even
- God desires for us to become like His son
- Praying
  - Will allow us to place our lives in the hand of God
  - Will allow God to teach us what we are missing
  - Will remind us of God's will
  - Will point out our selfishness
  - Will allow us to show compassion to those who around us
  - Will keep us consistent with God's teachings
Aware of our differences
These are some examples of generalizations that may apply to either gender. (Source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray):
- When women talk about their problems men mistakenly assume they are asking them for their advice. This is because men in general do not share their problems unless they need an expert's advice. Therefore, they have no idea that this is the way that a woman releases her stress and that she only wants him to listen to her with empathy, support and interest.
- When a man is stressed he isolates himself and becomes distant, unresponsive, and incapable to give his wife attention. This is either to figure out how to solve his problem or to be occupied with small things like watching TV or reading the newspaper to release his stress and forget his problem.
- When a woman thinks she is being loving by asking her husband lots of caring questions or expresses concern, a man on the other hand may feel annoyed and want a space.
- A man may fear that responding to his wife's suggestions might encourage her to take over the marriage. However, he does not realize that when a woman sees her husband's willingness to accept her ideas and correction, she usually is more willing to follow his leadership because she values him more.
When these typical scenarios happen usually men feel...
- That their solution are rejected
- Offended because their wives do not trust their ability to solve the problems
- Confused and frustrated when their wives change from one problem to another
- Unwilling to listen to their wives anymore because
  - They are not listening to their opinion
  - They feel blamed and begin to defend themselves
  - They are overwhelmed by the amount of information they are getting from their wives
On the other hand, usually women will feel...
- Unloved and unacknowledged
- That they are unimportant to their spouse
- That their love is not appreciated
- That they have to demand support
- Resentful towards their husbands
When we try to sum up some of the differences we find that:
- Men are goal oriented (value power, competency, efficiency and achievement) but women are relationship oriented (love, sharing her personal feelings, communication, beauty and relationship)
- Men are fulfilled through working out the intricate details for solving the problem but women are fulfilled through talking about the details of their problems
- Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed and appreciated for their effort and women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished, cared for and respected

So being aware of our differences will help improve communication, by allowing us to speak with each other without demanding or criticizing our partner. Instead, by learning how to communicate respectfully and share our concerns, we will gain positive understanding of each other. This will enable us to solve any differences we have and also allow us to willingly admit when we are wrong with genuine sorrow. Through this new found understanding, we will be able to restore our relationships.

"Therefore receive one another, just as Christ also received us, to the glory of God" (Romans 15:7).

We need to realize a few things

It is impossible to live under the same roof with another person without disagreeing on some subjects.
Your definition of love can be different from your spouse because it usually spring from a number of factors, such as your upbringing, your culture, gender, life experiences...
You cannot rely on the another person to fulfill you and make you happy. Happiness is a do-it-yourself job.
There are things we resent and do not like about our spouses that annoy us (usually this is visa verse). Make sure when something is bothering you explain it as clearly and respectfully as you can. Also, do not assume that your spouse can or is willing to change in order to accommodate you but rather learn to accept each other as we are.
Learn to let go of small things; instead forgive and forget. Do not allow things to build up and go beyond repair.
When family obligations become more important than spending time together, you may become two strangers living together and grow apart. Do not allow that to happen, rather make an effort to communicate with each other on daily basis and take positive actions to improve your relationship.
Do not expect your spouse to read your mind. Rather communicate with your spouse in a warm and supportive way by expressing what you need and how you feel about a certain matters. Example (I feel better when you call and let me know you are coming late from work).
There is nothing that causes more disappointment than our expectations not being met. So make sure that your expectations are realistic, that it is possible for your spouse to meet them and that your spouse has some of the same expectations.
Be aware of the little things you do that push your spouse away and try to change them for the sake of your marriage.
Remember small things can make biggest difference. So pay attention to what your spouse's needs and favorite things are, do small creative ways to meet his/her need or romantic gesture in a way that your spouse will receive and enjoy and remember you are doing them out of love.
Often we are polite to others and usually give them the benefit of the doubt and yet with our spouses we criticize, judge and expect the worse. It is a good idea not to take things personally and try thinking first before you react.
Make an effort to remember the good things about your spouse instead of focusing about what you do not like.

"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each other esteem others better than himself" (Philippians 2:3).

Finally, we need to recognize that life is filled with many rhythms, seasons, and opinions and even the best marriages have their ups and down. All we need to do is make it a habit to include God in our daily life and allow His words to be part of our every day decisions. We need to make it a priority to offer love, attention and support to each other and not to try to fix each other or put each other down. Instead, we need to learn how to express our feelings without anger or blame but in a respectful way that will make us trust and appreciate each other's input.

Written by
Nagwa Abdou